[I starting writing this March 12, 2015 and never published it. Just reread it and am publishing it now on Sun, April 19th as I am still feeling much the same…]
Drove home from work in a seething rage tonight.
Thankfully, I kept some control and didn’t drive like a maniac, but all the discontent, anger, and confusion came bubbling to the surface and I wanted to scream.
The darkness of my heart was revealed as I wanted to shout “I hate You!” at God. It’s so discouraging to realize that after years of seeking God, praying and pleading, reading His word, studying His word, seeking counsel from other Christians, and being an active member of local body believers, that I still have so much rage, anger, and pride in my heart. I just can’t seem to get it right.
I wanted to phone my husband and scream at him too. I wanted to tell him that he’d ruined my life and remind him of how his separating from our marriage, primarily over finances, is about the dumbest financial move he could have made. We have an offer on the house, but not much equity. Neither of us are doing any better financially since he moved out. I picture myself going to his apartment and pounding on his door and screaming, screaming, screaming, yelling, yelling…
This new job I have job is typical low paid service work* you find everywhere, but especially in tourist industry towns like mine. These jobs are always available due to high turnover rates and never very satisfying. At 41 years of age, I thought God might be pleased to move me on from this type of work; it’s the type of work I’ve done for years and now that so much has been taken from me (Dad, husband, home) I crave fulfilling work more than ever. I crave comfort and security. I get less of both.
I want to blame everyone for where I am. God, my parents, my husband. My husband for leaving me and causing me to have to scramble to find extra employment; my parents for not sending me to a university and encouraging me to get marketable skills, and God, of course, because He’s sovereign and NOTHING happens without Him knowing it, causing it, or, at least, allowing it.
Work late, work two doubles, getting up early and tomorrow work for a client in the middle of those shifts which makes for one loooooong, tiring day. How am I not maturing? Why am I still so ungrateful? It is not God’s will for me to be grateful, thankful, and to have endurance? I ask for these things and his word says if we pray according to his will he hears, and if we know that he hears then we know that we have what we asked for!!! pleszs;ldkng;.aeklrng;oaerklsjgn;baosdzfkl,.mva’ nedzcl/v
*Don’t get me wrong: there’s nothing inherently wrong with this type of labor. It’s a perfectly fine job for young people who don’t have a lot of financial obligations yet. Keeping low paying jobs around probably helps control prices of goods and services for all of us. Those who are still in college or just entering the adult world, or kids just wanting some pocket money can learn about forming a good work ethic at these types of jobs. (Hopefully, doing this work fosters some appreciation and kindness towards other service workers, too.)