Well, barely five days into the New Year and I blew a resolution. Not surprising, I suppose, for me or anyone else on the planet. Still feels awful.
It began when I had to get gas on Sunday. I needed to go inside to use the ATM to get cash for my tithe, instead of just paying at the pump as I normally do, and while I was inside I bought a drink and some donuts. I hadn’t eaten breakfast so I was ravenous by then. I was telling myself “this isn’t exactly fast food; I mean this isn’t a restaurant–more like a wee grocery store” and on and on, basically trying to find a loophole in the resolution I had made.
The next day, Monday, I had a doughnut for breakfast. Bad choice. After visiting with a friend in the morning, I was shaking from hunger. I had a cleaning job do after that visit and on my way I chided myself for not eating a proper breakfast. I started looking for somewhere to eat. I was getting shaky and nauseous and abandoned any thought of trying to make it through work without eating.
On a brighter note, instead of my usual gargantuan meal, I made a more sensible choice this time (both in terms of finance and caloric intake) by ordering a small sandwich and small fry off the discount “dollar menu”.
I can see that one bad choice led to another; first, the doughnuts purchase; then, eating a doughnut for breakfast the next day; then, not bothering to pack a healthy snack to ward off temptation; and, finally, ordering fast food. *Sigh*
I’m happy to report that after work Monday I finally did some grocery shopping that I’d been putting off, so I have some fresh food again.
Now that I think about it, the problem really began by putting off buying groceries for so long. If I’d had bread, milk, fruit, cereal, etc., I could have easily had a decent breakfast on Monday morning and probably wouldn’t have been so tempted to buy the doughnuts! I also could have gotten my tithe money sorted out ahead of time, by getting cash back at POS in the grocery store so that when gas was needed I could pay at the pump and not have to go inside and battle the temptation that comes from seeing all the junk food available.
The past couple days haven’t been good emotionally. I have wet my pillow with tears, crying out to the Lord for help with my present situation. I am in need of extra work to pay bills. I am thankful that the Lord has provided for me in the last few months that I’ve been alone, either through gifts or through selling things. However, I don’t want to rely on handouts. I’m growing very weary and trying to be patient. I know I should be grateful and keep trusting, remembering that the Lord was patient with me and that I don’t deserve anything good. But, sometimes, the full weight of my situation just comes tumbling down upon me and I can barely breathe. I am battling against despair. If anyone reads this, please say a prayer for me.
Casting my burdens at bedtime,
patricia